My heart is yours

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone
Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

Change

Some things change. And some things....just. don't. change.
Life's been alright. Better for now.
Always have that share of drama present in my life, which never really ends, never really goes away. Can't escape it even if I want to.
That's why I'm always grateful when there's a period of time where everything is fine.
When I have nothing big to deal with.
Yes, I'm definitely contented, grateful and happy with my life.
But there's just some things I wish that would change and wouldn't change at the same time.

Gotta admit the past few months...I don't think my life's been any worst than the things that have been happening during that period.
I've had many things happen in my life but that period of time was the worst.
And I hope never to face anything much more worst anymore.
I can face a lot of things but there's one thing I can't take when it changes or screws up.
Because it's like the end of the world. And it kills me entirely.
And it shall remain unanswered here.
Of cos those close to my heart will know what it is.

But for now, life's been alright.
I just have a change that's going to happen in my life that I have no control over or say in.
But what to do, we just have to make do, don't we?
Since there's nothing I can do.

Sometimes someone makes us think that something is right cos they are always right in their world and we start to think something is right because nobody tells us that it is wrong. We start to question if it is right or wrong because all we hear is what they tell us.

In my opinion, the basis of a happy family is the couple which in this case is your mom & dad.
Because if something goes wrong, along the way there will always be something wrong even when you think it's done & over with.
So please, make sure you marry the right person.
I know I made a vow to myself to never let my kids go through what I had to.
That's a promise. I'll make damn sure.

How To Say Goodbye

Leaving isn't quite the same, he said to me,
As running away
If you're scared or tired of what you're scared of
Well, why should you stay?

He loved to say goodbye,
And always counted out the time
Until he was free, to get up and leave
To learn how to breathe

Again


Slipping out to have a cigarette with someone else that he'd never met
Asks her if, by the way, would she like to run away
and try to forget?
Or just not to stay, to leave without saying why


To get up and go
To catch the last train
To get in some car
And drive out again
To never come back this way....
And have to say....
goodbye

Trying to make it work but man, these times are hard

I don't know how much I've been keeping to myself, holding it all in, pulling myself together on my own.
I've been facing stuff which I realised most people won't ever understand...or anyone for that matter.
I don't know how I do it but it instantly goes away when I'm surrounded by people because I know I must keep it together.
And then it comes back to haunt me when I'm alone, at home...and most of the time when the situation, matter is brought up again.

I am definitely not the kind to lose my faith, give up easily and I'm motivated by my own drive and will.
But there's only so much one can do when things get too much to handle.

Lately, I feel like I don't know what to believe in anymore.
What do you do when one supposedly most important factor of your life decides to wash their hands off you, turn their back on you when they are the ones that's supposed to be there for you through it all because blood is thicker than water?
It has lost it's meaning, to me.

I've always felt like a punching bag.
Always the victim of other people's mistakes and excuses.
For 10 years, I have to put up with hardship just because of two people's mistakes and now I have to face it alone.
I don't think it's fair.
It was alright and I still could take it when at least one was still responsible, now both are turning their backs on me.

I don't know what goals, ambitions, passion, dreams mean to people but it means a lot to me. It really does.
I've always put in my heart and soul, hard work, full commitment, dedication and passion in what I love to do.
Asking me to compromise all that is just not possible, to me.
It's like you're asking me to live life without living my dreams, live life to get by.
I'm not that sort of person and I don't want to be that way.
Because I feel when you're in it, you give it your all.
I don't want to compromise what I do just because life gets in the way.
Moreover, when I feel I shouldn't be burdened with the responsibility yet.
There's a reason behind my actions, why I do things the way I do.
I don't like people to throw me off my direction, where I'm heading.

Life has been busy definitely but I'd rather be busy doing what I love than do nothing at all.
I am busy taking baby steps, leaps, paving my way and slowly achieving my dreams.
There's a reason why most of the time my schedule is packed and full.

I've been through a lot and perhaps this will be just one of my obstacles that I'll overcome soon.
I really hope so.
Because things, people that I believe in are losing my faith and I've started to not believe in them anymore. Some things are starting to lose it's meaning no matter how much I don't want them to.
I hope everything's gonna be alright.

Broken

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
-Marilyn Monroe.

I think I've hit rock bottom. One of the lowest moments of my life.
Everything's screwing up & my positivity & optimism is running very low, even my health.
There's only so much I can take.
Besides being sick, there's some issues which I shall not elaborate on.
Sometimes I feel like I'm someone's punching bag. It hurts so bad, so much.
I can't describe how heartbroken or broken I have been lately.
Basically April's been sucky for me so far. I hope it gets better in time soon.
I need a miracle.



The only one that knows everything that's been happening to me lately is Ahmad.
I really love him for always being there & tolerating everything cos all these things are making me very vulnerable & I've haven't been myself that much lately.
Thank you for being such a good boyfriend & best friend.
I love you so much, Ahmad Husayn ♥

Lost Voice, Lost Cause

"I have feelings too. I am still human. All I want is to be loved, for myself and for my talent."
-Marilyn Monroe.

Lost my voice & it hasn't come back since Wednesday.
My first time ever. Throughout my years of singing & cheerleading, I've never lost my voice.
I was supposed to perform & sing for an item Miley Cyrus's Two More Lonely People with the Hip Hop dancers since the original two singers were a no-show.
Got everything down, the song's melody, lyrics, choreo but too bad my voice didn't recover in time.
I didn't even sang for Zeenol's Dj Got Us Falling in Love Again but got to perform.
I swear the crowd was awesome. Made up of 5000 people.
Best. Crowd. Ever.





Everybody, the whole of CREATE Republic did an awesome job!
And I'm very proud of Replug. It was a success.

Just wished my voice recovered in time. If not I could've have two more new experiences.
1. sing & dance at the same time with dancers
2. perform & sing solo to 5000 people
My only Replug wish is to perform & sing solo for next year's Jam & Hop.

Funny how things work.
I missed The Script's first ever concert in Singapore because of a bump-in & in the end, I lost my voice for Jam & Hop. Go figure.

I think this is God's way of teaching me a lesson not to take my voice for granted.
I always wished my voice was better in some way like other people...huskier, better tone etc.
I always admired people's voices more in a way that I think whatever song people ask them to sing on the spot it would've sound awesome anyways.
I also got sick of some people making fun of my voice cos it's tiny although big at the same time, that Disney girl thing people like to label me with.

All this when I should've been proud of the voice I've been gifted with.
Because I can do so much with it, I can almost adapt & sing any genre I want with it.
I can go as high as I want though I've yet to master my very low notes.
I swear I will be very proud & have full confidence in my voice & not take it for granted anymore.
I won't care what anybody say about it anymore.

Dear voice, I hope you'll come back soon, even much better & stronger with full force.
I'm ready to show the world & let them listen, let you be heard, show 'em what you're made of.
I miss you, please come back soon.
Love, Liyana ♥

Upgrade U

Got to watch ITE's Westside Story musical on Sunday!
Almost didn't got to watch it cos I only knew about it that week itself.
On that day itself Dalilah couldn't make it last minute so I ended up goin' alone.
I couldn't miss it! The fact that it's an ITE musical & my friends are in it, of cos I'd do anything for the arts & my friends even if I have to do it alone.
But in the end I ended up watching it with Syirah, Aidil & the other Showchoir peeps :]

The musical made me thought to myself that I've sang, I've dance but I've never been in a musical before.
I'd love to try that once if I ever get to.

There's so many things I want to try if I ever get to.
Here's a list:

• sing, dance, act altogether -musical
• ballet
  
• indian dance
• malay dance
• know how to play the basics for at least one instrument -piano, guitar

Basically that's it. I'm sure along the way I'll find more to add on soon.
These are the things I've yet to try in terms of music & the arts and I hope I get to do 'em one of these days.

Surreal

Today, my mom, her friend Sheila & I went to pay their friend, Moi, a visit.
She just gave birth to a new born baby girl name Azrar which is a combination of her name & her husband's name. (Cool much?)
Of cos there were talks about pregnancy, the process, marriage & my mom of cos walked down memory lane & talked about the times when she had me & my brother as a baby.

One thing I found fascinating was when they talked about the fact that having a baby is surreal.
Because you see something which is a product of you.
You ask yourself questions like, "Is that really mine?" "Did that came from me?"'
You have moments of fascination, trying to believe & make sense of it all.
Because something such as having your own child is unbelievable.
You wake up and it's just there.

Something I still find surreal sometimes are those days when I can't believe I fell in with Ahmad & he's someone I can call mine.
It's sucha magical feeling to be in love & to have someone like you.

I can't imagine how it'll be like to go through pregnancy & all.
All those talks I've heard of it before is scary.
They say it's feels like a matter of life & death.
But the best thing about it all is you go through pain and you're gifted with your love child.
Someone both you & your future life partner can call yours.

I can't wait to experience more magical, surreal moments :]

Here's some pictures of Azrar!
I couldn't stop snapping! hehe.




Look at her tiny hands!


She's so strong! She can already reach out & lift her hand!


Peek-A-Boo! Eyes open! :D

What Hurts The Most?

What hurts more?
Not having something everytime but when you finally do, it is all yours. Just for you.
Or having something most of the time, so close within your grasp but it is not entirely, completely all yours?

They say the worst way to miss someone is to have them sitting right next to you and yet you know you can never have them.
In my case, I have someone...but not to myself.

This week has been tough on me relationship wise...or you could say this holidays.
Ever since we've been having practices, I don't get to have Q.T. with my boyfriend as much as I want to.
Sure, we see each other, go to school together for practices if I have 'em too & all...but it's not the same as spending Q.T. with each other, just the two of us.
Even if we're together on bus rides mostly the talk nowadays is about work which drains us.
Heck, practices already drains us what else talks about it.

That's why it's possible to be with someone most of the time yet you miss him so much because you never got to really spend precious quality time with him alone.
It hurts so much to miss someone so bad. It really hurts.

Among many things that you are to me, I miss you as my boyfriend the most.
I miss my boyfriend. I miss you. I miss us. ♥