Change

Some things change. And some things....just. don't. change.
Life's been alright. Better for now.
Always have that share of drama present in my life, which never really ends, never really goes away. Can't escape it even if I want to.
That's why I'm always grateful when there's a period of time where everything is fine.
When I have nothing big to deal with.
Yes, I'm definitely contented, grateful and happy with my life.
But there's just some things I wish that would change and wouldn't change at the same time.

Gotta admit the past few months...I don't think my life's been any worst than the things that have been happening during that period.
I've had many things happen in my life but that period of time was the worst.
And I hope never to face anything much more worst anymore.
I can face a lot of things but there's one thing I can't take when it changes or screws up.
Because it's like the end of the world. And it kills me entirely.
And it shall remain unanswered here.
Of cos those close to my heart will know what it is.

But for now, life's been alright.
I just have a change that's going to happen in my life that I have no control over or say in.
But what to do, we just have to make do, don't we?
Since there's nothing I can do.

Sometimes someone makes us think that something is right cos they are always right in their world and we start to think something is right because nobody tells us that it is wrong. We start to question if it is right or wrong because all we hear is what they tell us.

In my opinion, the basis of a happy family is the couple which in this case is your mom & dad.
Because if something goes wrong, along the way there will always be something wrong even when you think it's done & over with.
So please, make sure you marry the right person.
I know I made a vow to myself to never let my kids go through what I had to.
That's a promise. I'll make damn sure.

How To Say Goodbye

Leaving isn't quite the same, he said to me,
As running away
If you're scared or tired of what you're scared of
Well, why should you stay?

He loved to say goodbye,
And always counted out the time
Until he was free, to get up and leave
To learn how to breathe

Again


Slipping out to have a cigarette with someone else that he'd never met
Asks her if, by the way, would she like to run away
and try to forget?
Or just not to stay, to leave without saying why


To get up and go
To catch the last train
To get in some car
And drive out again
To never come back this way....
And have to say....
goodbye

Trying to make it work but man, these times are hard

I don't know how much I've been keeping to myself, holding it all in, pulling myself together on my own.
I've been facing stuff which I realised most people won't ever understand...or anyone for that matter.
I don't know how I do it but it instantly goes away when I'm surrounded by people because I know I must keep it together.
And then it comes back to haunt me when I'm alone, at home...and most of the time when the situation, matter is brought up again.

I am definitely not the kind to lose my faith, give up easily and I'm motivated by my own drive and will.
But there's only so much one can do when things get too much to handle.

Lately, I feel like I don't know what to believe in anymore.
What do you do when one supposedly most important factor of your life decides to wash their hands off you, turn their back on you when they are the ones that's supposed to be there for you through it all because blood is thicker than water?
It has lost it's meaning, to me.

I've always felt like a punching bag.
Always the victim of other people's mistakes and excuses.
For 10 years, I have to put up with hardship just because of two people's mistakes and now I have to face it alone.
I don't think it's fair.
It was alright and I still could take it when at least one was still responsible, now both are turning their backs on me.

I don't know what goals, ambitions, passion, dreams mean to people but it means a lot to me. It really does.
I've always put in my heart and soul, hard work, full commitment, dedication and passion in what I love to do.
Asking me to compromise all that is just not possible, to me.
It's like you're asking me to live life without living my dreams, live life to get by.
I'm not that sort of person and I don't want to be that way.
Because I feel when you're in it, you give it your all.
I don't want to compromise what I do just because life gets in the way.
Moreover, when I feel I shouldn't be burdened with the responsibility yet.
There's a reason behind my actions, why I do things the way I do.
I don't like people to throw me off my direction, where I'm heading.

Life has been busy definitely but I'd rather be busy doing what I love than do nothing at all.
I am busy taking baby steps, leaps, paving my way and slowly achieving my dreams.
There's a reason why most of the time my schedule is packed and full.

I've been through a lot and perhaps this will be just one of my obstacles that I'll overcome soon.
I really hope so.
Because things, people that I believe in are losing my faith and I've started to not believe in them anymore. Some things are starting to lose it's meaning no matter how much I don't want them to.
I hope everything's gonna be alright.

Broken

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
-Marilyn Monroe.

I think I've hit rock bottom. One of the lowest moments of my life.
Everything's screwing up & my positivity & optimism is running very low, even my health.
There's only so much I can take.
Besides being sick, there's some issues which I shall not elaborate on.
Sometimes I feel like I'm someone's punching bag. It hurts so bad, so much.
I can't describe how heartbroken or broken I have been lately.
Basically April's been sucky for me so far. I hope it gets better in time soon.
I need a miracle.



The only one that knows everything that's been happening to me lately is Ahmad.
I really love him for always being there & tolerating everything cos all these things are making me very vulnerable & I've haven't been myself that much lately.
Thank you for being such a good boyfriend & best friend.
I love you so much, Ahmad Husayn ♥

Lost Voice, Lost Cause

"I have feelings too. I am still human. All I want is to be loved, for myself and for my talent."
-Marilyn Monroe.

Lost my voice & it hasn't come back since Wednesday.
My first time ever. Throughout my years of singing & cheerleading, I've never lost my voice.
I was supposed to perform & sing for an item Miley Cyrus's Two More Lonely People with the Hip Hop dancers since the original two singers were a no-show.
Got everything down, the song's melody, lyrics, choreo but too bad my voice didn't recover in time.
I didn't even sang for Zeenol's Dj Got Us Falling in Love Again but got to perform.
I swear the crowd was awesome. Made up of 5000 people.
Best. Crowd. Ever.





Everybody, the whole of CREATE Republic did an awesome job!
And I'm very proud of Replug. It was a success.

Just wished my voice recovered in time. If not I could've have two more new experiences.
1. sing & dance at the same time with dancers
2. perform & sing solo to 5000 people
My only Replug wish is to perform & sing solo for next year's Jam & Hop.

Funny how things work.
I missed The Script's first ever concert in Singapore because of a bump-in & in the end, I lost my voice for Jam & Hop. Go figure.

I think this is God's way of teaching me a lesson not to take my voice for granted.
I always wished my voice was better in some way like other people...huskier, better tone etc.
I always admired people's voices more in a way that I think whatever song people ask them to sing on the spot it would've sound awesome anyways.
I also got sick of some people making fun of my voice cos it's tiny although big at the same time, that Disney girl thing people like to label me with.

All this when I should've been proud of the voice I've been gifted with.
Because I can do so much with it, I can almost adapt & sing any genre I want with it.
I can go as high as I want though I've yet to master my very low notes.
I swear I will be very proud & have full confidence in my voice & not take it for granted anymore.
I won't care what anybody say about it anymore.

Dear voice, I hope you'll come back soon, even much better & stronger with full force.
I'm ready to show the world & let them listen, let you be heard, show 'em what you're made of.
I miss you, please come back soon.
Love, Liyana ♥

Upgrade U

Got to watch ITE's Westside Story musical on Sunday!
Almost didn't got to watch it cos I only knew about it that week itself.
On that day itself Dalilah couldn't make it last minute so I ended up goin' alone.
I couldn't miss it! The fact that it's an ITE musical & my friends are in it, of cos I'd do anything for the arts & my friends even if I have to do it alone.
But in the end I ended up watching it with Syirah, Aidil & the other Showchoir peeps :]

The musical made me thought to myself that I've sang, I've dance but I've never been in a musical before.
I'd love to try that once if I ever get to.

There's so many things I want to try if I ever get to.
Here's a list:

• sing, dance, act altogether -musical
• ballet
  
• indian dance
• malay dance
• know how to play the basics for at least one instrument -piano, guitar

Basically that's it. I'm sure along the way I'll find more to add on soon.
These are the things I've yet to try in terms of music & the arts and I hope I get to do 'em one of these days.

Surreal

Today, my mom, her friend Sheila & I went to pay their friend, Moi, a visit.
She just gave birth to a new born baby girl name Azrar which is a combination of her name & her husband's name. (Cool much?)
Of cos there were talks about pregnancy, the process, marriage & my mom of cos walked down memory lane & talked about the times when she had me & my brother as a baby.

One thing I found fascinating was when they talked about the fact that having a baby is surreal.
Because you see something which is a product of you.
You ask yourself questions like, "Is that really mine?" "Did that came from me?"'
You have moments of fascination, trying to believe & make sense of it all.
Because something such as having your own child is unbelievable.
You wake up and it's just there.

Something I still find surreal sometimes are those days when I can't believe I fell in with Ahmad & he's someone I can call mine.
It's sucha magical feeling to be in love & to have someone like you.

I can't imagine how it'll be like to go through pregnancy & all.
All those talks I've heard of it before is scary.
They say it's feels like a matter of life & death.
But the best thing about it all is you go through pain and you're gifted with your love child.
Someone both you & your future life partner can call yours.

I can't wait to experience more magical, surreal moments :]

Here's some pictures of Azrar!
I couldn't stop snapping! hehe.




Look at her tiny hands!


She's so strong! She can already reach out & lift her hand!


Peek-A-Boo! Eyes open! :D

What Hurts The Most?

What hurts more?
Not having something everytime but when you finally do, it is all yours. Just for you.
Or having something most of the time, so close within your grasp but it is not entirely, completely all yours?

They say the worst way to miss someone is to have them sitting right next to you and yet you know you can never have them.
In my case, I have someone...but not to myself.

This week has been tough on me relationship wise...or you could say this holidays.
Ever since we've been having practices, I don't get to have Q.T. with my boyfriend as much as I want to.
Sure, we see each other, go to school together for practices if I have 'em too & all...but it's not the same as spending Q.T. with each other, just the two of us.
Even if we're together on bus rides mostly the talk nowadays is about work which drains us.
Heck, practices already drains us what else talks about it.

That's why it's possible to be with someone most of the time yet you miss him so much because you never got to really spend precious quality time with him alone.
It hurts so much to miss someone so bad. It really hurts.

Among many things that you are to me, I miss you as my boyfriend the most.
I miss my boyfriend. I miss you. I miss us. ♥

Oh You Make Me Smile :)

I wish I can take a picture of Ahmad whenever he looks at me, especially with that charming, wide grin smile. But I can't because he never smiles like that for the camera & I know it's only meant for me to see :]

*takes a mental picture instead* hehe.

This Is What Dreams Are Made Of

"It will cost you nothing to dream -and everything not to."
-Rev Run.

Today, I realized nothing kills my soul more than the mere thought of not being able to pursue my dreams.
Because I am nothing without my ambitions, passion & dreams.
It makes me who I am. I cannot live without 'em.
Without 'em, I'll be lost. So lost.

It gives me an identity, a sense of who I am, something to hope for, something to wish & dream about, something to do, goals to set out for & so much more.
I will never compromise them for anything.
If it takes a lot of my time, work & effort, I don't mind. Not at all. I will do it.
Nothing will stop me. Nothing.
I will never give up on my dreams.
Because I never give up. Never.
I am a lady of ambition & nothing will change that. Nothing.

"Trying to make it work but man, these times are hard

Oh these times are hard
They are making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby"

-The Script's For The First Time on replay.

Express Yourself

I'm not the kind of person to fully express myself.
Usually I express myself through the things I do.
Music, design, writing, photography...
That's why I cannot NOT sing & dance.
If not, I'll feel trapped.
I feel no sense of self-expression.
That sense of individuality.
And lately, I've been feeling this way.
I yearn to do my own stuff.
Sing the songs that I want to sing.
Dance & get lost in the music.
Problem? Time.
This busy schedule is not giving me any time to do my own stuff.
Instead I'm helping out by singing back-up...which is not the same.
That's what I mean when I say I miss singing.
I miss singing me, singing my own stuff, expressing me.
Me.

Confession Hour

I swear I can honestly, truly say I've never been in a relationship where I am very scared to lose someone.
To the point where I've even dreamt about it, in my dreams.
Perhaps it's due to my fear of it almost happening once...or the fact that he's my wish came true.
Even so, I've never told a guy I never want to lose him before.
I've never felt this way about a guy either.
I've also never dreamt about someone so much before, be it good or bad.
I can't bear to lose the most bestest, perfect guy for me that I've ever met in my entire life.

I never fail to fall in love with him all over again every single day.
I can't get enough of him every time I see him.
He drives me crazy, in a good way.
I've never felt this kinda love before.
It doesn't get any better than this.

Call me a horoscope buff but yeah, I've been reading up horoscopes since I was young.
I've always believed in mostly the personality traits & compatibility.
Maybe the fact that I'm a Capricorn, He's a Taurus, both earth signs which equals to the perfect match in terms of horoscopes could be it.

Or it could be the fact that we're close friends who fell in love with each other & ended up being lovers & best friends.

Or it could be the fact I've never been with someone whom I actually like, have feelings for, have a crush on in the first place & the same goes for the person too.
Mutual attraction, feelings & everything else just falling into place so nicely.

But that's the thing about love: Love finds you the minute you stop looking.
Better believe it cos I swear it's true.
People like to make the mistake of finding for love when all they should do is let love find you.
When it finds you, it'll all happen naturally.
To me, that's the most bestest love of all.
To fall in love, unexpectedly...especially with your best friend.
It's not about who you are attracted to. It's about who you fall in love with.

Whatever it is, I know that I've never felt a love like this.
You're my present & I can't see a future with anyone else but you.
All our hopes, wishes, dreams together...we'll make it happen.
One day, that someday will come.

Never let me go ♥

Somebody's Me ♥

“Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can’t breathe without you, it’s lonely
Somebody hopes that one day you will see, that somebody’s me.”

-Enrique Iglesias, Somebody’s Me.

I’m very lucky & happy to have a somebody.

I love you, Ahmad Husayn. ♥

You Are The Music In Me ♥

To me, singing/playing music & dancing are both under music.
They are two things under one category.
I've never thought them to be separate.
They both involve music. They are both different expressions of music.
That's why when people ask me what are my interests I just say Music and then go on by saying I sing & dance.
People should never separate this two because they are not two separate worlds.
Just like how different races are under one human race, one nationality, it is the same for music.

I can't stand not dancing for months, what else not singing!
Thankfully, now I'm dancing again cos I have Contemporary dance class on Mondays.
Now, I miss singing.
Yes, I am in a singing IG but we haven't done much singing lately.
I'll have some back-up singing stuff to do soon but it's not the same.

I've been wanting to cover songs, quite a number of 'em.
I've been wanting to collaborate with people but waiting around for people gets too long.
And most of the time people say it but it never happens.
That's why I think I should start doin' my own stuff, stuff on my own.
That's what I always do.
People take too long to do somethin' & eventually I get tired of waiting around & I end up doing it on my own.
So I might as well.

Saw a short feature on Santana on Channel 5 yesterday & before you know it, I recorded myself singing Smooth on my IPhone!
I haven't let anyone listen to it yet but I think Ahmad's gonna be da first! heh.
Can't wait to do lotsa covers with him. Time time timeeee!

Ooh, I also had a video concept idea + business idea when I was showering just now.
I know, out of all places. The bathroom's a good place to sing like nobody's listening, think & contemplate on stuff, come up with ideas, somehow a place & source of inspiration & more! haha.
For the video concept, I'll see how.
And as for the business idea, I'll keep it & use it if I happen to get rich enough in the future to start my own business hehe.

Jinx! -Not.

I had this belief that whenever I started blogging about a boyfriend on Black Locket, it will jinx my relationship.
Why? Because it has happened. Twice.
Just nice when I start to blog and slowly reveal who my boyfriend is on Black Locket,
things happen and before you know it. Bye bye.
Pure coincidence on two occasions? Maybe.

I told this to Ahmad & he said, "Then you better don't do it."
I don't believe in such things but I only started to be cautious & wary about it when it had happened two times.
But now, I shall reject that claim.
I won't believe in it anymore.

Black Locket has always been a private place for me to express whatever I want & talk about all things happy, sad...anything that gets my attention, anything that gets to me.
I love it that it seems quiet & I don't really know who's reading except for the exceptional few close ones.
Anyone is welcomed to read provided they mind their own business.
They read because they bother, they care & want to be updated on how I am doin'.

So I have faith that no, Black Locket will not jinx my relationship. Especially this one.
Because I love Ahmad with all my heart & have enough faith to believe that this will be everlasting.
This faith is more than enough to overcome anything & stronger than any jinx.

All The Small Things ♥

Yesterday I guess I could say Ahmad cooked up a storm for me in the kitchen! He was on a cooking spreeeee! hehe. It was his first time cooking Spaghetti! He added tomato sauce, salt, grind the black peppers. He also did some scrambled eggs while I got ready the garlic bread. I love it when he cooks; it's sucha turn-on + plus point! hehe. Anything tastes super duper yummy when it's cooked with love ♥

Today I got to go out grocery shopping with my mom! She ate Laksa while I got to eat curry chicken + rice + bread! Yum Yum! C:

I love doin' mini surprises for my loved ones. I did two today. I think I shall not unveil it now till the two people have discovered it already hehe. Most probably I'll post up what I did once it's discovered! hehe ;)

Stay The Same, Don't Change ♥

I'm gonna blog before it's da new week tomorrow!
UT3s are around da corner so it's time for intensive revision!
What's more, they are consecutively back-to-back.
And it's can be easily remembered cos it starts on da 14th feb, Valentine's Day haha.

Okie dokie, let's get down to da nitty gritty.
Continuation from da previous entry, these are da precious people in my life that I'm happy that they're still around & I hope it stays that way :]

First & foremost, my Ohana :D














My mom & bro; just da 3 of us.
No matter how much they can get on my nerves sometimes, I'll always love 'em & can't live without 'em. They're the ones who are always there for me no matter what.


















And that goes the same for my family lyke my kuzzies, my little ones, aunts.
I look forward to festivities & family gatherings because of 'em.
Love 'em :]








Shockwave!
My close knit of ITE Bishan friends.
My best team to work with too, ever! Period.
Love all da inside jokes & how we make effort to meet up from time to time despite our different, busy schedules.
I love who I am when I'm with them, they bring out the best in me & are always there to support me in whatever I do.
I really hope this friendship lasts till we see each other get married, grow old with each other & all hehe.



Sabrina! my weiyi :]
Friends since secondary school till now.
Went through a lot together.
We both know our friendship had a funny, rocky start but look where we are now haha.
We don't get to see each other as often as we want to but we always meet up once in awhile & keep in touch :]


Lastly is Tasha!
I can't remember how long I've known her already...lyke 4-5 years is it?
My online friend turned bestie haha!
She's has her MIA moments but thank god we've always managed to find each other and not lost touch.

And this is the end of my continuation cycle entries haha!
Shall start to blog as per normal from now on.
Can't wait to see Ahmad l8er!
Haven't had my QT for 2 weeks already.
OT = Quality Time + Cutie. HEHE.
Okie dokie, toodles! :D

Same Old Brand New

Wow, I'm blogging! hehe.
Pardon me, I'm still getting used to me blogging again after about 2 years haha.
I did mention that I was gna blog about how my life has changed right since then?
Here I goooooooooooo!
........
........
........
scream my lungs out tryna get to youuuuuu!

Okie dokie, what's new?
This may be so last year (literally) but just so you know...
I'm an RP student now! :D
Yes, graduated from ITE Bishan & I got to the polytechnic I wanted to go to hehe.
I love RP bcos it's so active & rich in arts & culture :]
Hence, my choice of school.

I'm in Sonic Arts & I'll be doin' my 2nd Year soon!
Besides that there's IGs! (interest groups)
I remember being spoilt for choice because RP has too many awesome IGs, I swear.
So I tried to narrow down & auditioned for Replug, Jammerz Arena, Modern Dance & Hip Hop.
Some of 'em had more than 1 round of audition.
I got through the auditions for all of 'em but in da end I stuck with Replug & Modern Dance.
One singing IG. One dancing IG.
So Liyana, can't live without either one haha :P

But in the end as lyke what happened in ITE, both clashed so in the end I had to quit Modern Dance halfway & stuck to Replug!
Still, I miss dance so much!
Haven't been dancing for what feels lyke so long already! :(

So...new school, more friends

.




E24F!
My very first classmates in RP!
I swear I love 'em mann.
An awesome, fun bunch.
Def miss them a lot.








E35N!
My current class!
Currently don't have a class photo yet but I hope soon! hehe.
Cos this sem's coming to an end alreadyyy!








Replug!
Unplugged music redefined.
Aiseh mann hehe :P
Basically we do awesome acoustic music heh.
The people I spent most of my breaks, after school hours with.
and this is where I found the love of my life, my other half...


AHMAD HUSAYN! ♥
My close friend turned boyfriend/best friend.
My wish come true.
I swear he's sucha sweetheart.
I feel v blessed to have him in my life and have someone I can call mine :]

Okie, I think I should wrap it up cos it's getting late & I have school tmr!
Shall continue on my next entry bcos I'm still not done.
This is about Change. The next one's gna be about the ones who are still arnd.
I'm sure they know who they are already hehe.
Till then, Goodnight! :D

Guess who's back, back again...

I'm proud to say...
I'm BACKKKKKKKKK!

I realised I need this space more than ever now.
Finally decided to make a comeback after having more time on my hands now.
Not to mention so many things to let out & express.
I guess this is also an avenue where my friends can get updated on what's goin' on with me & my life in more detail now besides Facebook & Twitter.
Don't know if anyone will bother to drop by here anymore but I'm sure those who are close to me will hehe :]

Anyways, Blogger has def. changed a lot since the last time I used it.
Only logged in today at first because we had to create a blog site for some school assignment.
It was also my turn to be interviewed by my New Media faci today.
She asked, "Why did you stop blogging?"
My reply was I was too busy with stuff, I had no time.
But there's actually another reason why I stopped...
those who keep track & know my life I guess will know why.
Those who don't, it's alright...you don't need to know :]

Back to the Blogger topic, I realised how much it changed in terms of template layouts etc.
I decided to upgrade from my classic template style to this new template style thus explaining the new look tho' I've yet to add my personal touches & play around with it hehe.

Besides Blogger, my life has defintely changed too since 2009-2010...(the last time I updated)
More additions to my life hehe.
And also stuff I wish I can subtract. Bleh.
Shall update & elaborate more on that in my next entry.
In the mean time, I shall end here.
Toodles! :D